GINGERBREAD HOUSE CONTEST

GINGERBREAD HOUSE CONTEST

 

My office organizes an annual Gingerbread house design contest. It’s a labor of love that gets us into the holiday spirit. Two teams tagged ‘Red’ and ‘Blue' engage in erecting the most beautiful structures. It’s fun to see who can make the best decorated gingerbread house. Combining mini marshmallows, gumdrops, icing sugar, candy, spices and sprinkle. 

 

The Gingerbread houses are displayed in the open office on a raised platform. Staff vote for their preferred house using the provided red and blue ballots. I led the Red team this year and we worked hard on our edible house. My colleague, let's call her Miss P, was in charge of the Blue team. Team Red took the lead immediately.

 

Miss P let out a cry of disbelief at the growing pile of red ballots in the transparent box. Then she said to herself, "What the hell?" 

 

She walked over and stuffed all her blue ballots in the box. 

"There! We won," she declared. We all stared at her slack-jawed in shock. 

 "Why did you do that?" I asked. "Now it's all messed up."

"I never lose," she said. 

You'd think we were seven-year-old kids back in grade school. 

RIP-OFF MECHANICS

RIP-OFF MECHANICS

 

A friend lent me his Dodge Caravan. The car had a strong whiff of cigarette smoke and stale beer. There were also stains that resembled the color of light-colored mustard or ketchup.

 Nonetheless, I was glad to have the car. While driving, I observed that there was this crazy sound when I stepped on the brakes. A loud thud - the mother of all thuds and you know how mothers can be - followed by crazy vibrations. 

 I got worried and went to a mechanic. He gave me the bad news. The brake pads were worn and it had affected the drums. The pad runs on the disc, causes scoring and critically impacted the brake performance. I needed to fix the car urgently, or else! 

 As it turned out, the mechanic was a dodgy fellow. There was, naturally, a non-refundable fee for the diagnosis. I would get the full bill after the required extensive repairs. I didn't have the amount of cash he mentioned and a sixth sense told me this was a rip-off merchant.  

 It occurred to me that the sound I heard when I stepped on the brake was like something being flung about. I also remembered that my friend keeps a lot of junk in the trunk of his car.

I opened the trunk and the clutter was unbelievable. A spare tire, two switchblades, shoes, duct tape, tire iron, jumper cables, electric cables, work gloves, shovel, etc. It was like looking for weapons of mass destruction that may or may not be hidden away in Iraq. Some, if not most, of the items were useful things one should keep close at hand. However, the collection of handy items were lying about in an untidy mass. I eventually tidied up the clutter. I drive out and step hard on the brakes, the noise is gone. The brakes are just fine. It was the clutter that made the crazy-loud thud as the collection of items were thrown about in the trunk. 

HANDSHAKES

HANDSHAKES

 

Handshakes are weird and gross if you think about it. Two creatures grasp one of each other's limbs, in most cases accompanied by a brief up-and-down movement of the grasped limbs. This ritual marks the beginning of any sort of business partnership. It finalizes an agreement and begins most social interactions. 

 

We don’t even know what the other party has been doing with their hands. I don't want to gross you out with the endless possibilities. Sure, maybe they wash their hands occasionally. But how often and how thoroughly? 

 

If aliens arrived on Earth, they would find this human behavior absurd and incomprehensible. Aliens are going to think we are weird creatures engaged in a silly ritual before any face-to-face interaction. 

You know what? I'm just going to keep my hands behind my back, going forward. It’ll be cool to see how people react. I will simply smile and act like I missed their social cues. Definitely going to  get some confused looks. 

 

 

PUBLIC TRANSIT

PUBLIC TRANSIT

On the bus transit, you can bet your last dollar there are old gums stuck to the bottom of seats by benevolent persons. All you need do is crack one off, if you need it.

It was not nice what happened to me on the bus. I got on the bus and spotted an empty seat beside an elderly gentleman with a fuzzy beard. It was the last available seat. As soon as I made to sit down, the man gave me a funny look, stood up and moved away. He remained standing, holding onto the metal pole of the bus with one hand. Our gazes held for a second, before he turned away, fuming.

A lot of people prefer sitting alone on buses, so moving to an empty seat happens often and doesn’t bother me. But there was no empty seat on this bus. It wasn't a matter of wanting a seat closer to the exit either. It was apparent his exit point was not close.

"Am I not cool enough to sit next to or what?" I wondered. I was sure personal hygiene was not the issue. I was well-groomed and fashionable, if I may say so myself. Was the man a racist? I thought long and hard about it and almost got a migraine in the process.

Another stop, another passenger. This time, it was a woman. She was in her twenties and wore a pale green and yellow dress. She noticed the free seat and made a beeline for it. The man with the fuzzy beard quickly blocked her path.

"Stop! It’s wet! The seat's wet!"

I noticed now there was a visible wet patch on his pants. Some people don’t bother checking and end up sitting on wet seats or chewing gum. The woman was spared the discomfort of sitting on the spilled water? Someone’s sweat or pee? Heaven knows what a weirdo had left behind on the seat.

I smiled and my migraine immediately receded. Sometimes we read too far into things. We read signals and hidden messages that are not actually there.

 

THROW A HAMMER LIKE THOR

THROW A HAMMER LIKE THOR

 

Several years ago, I spoke with my parents on phone and they told me something that piqued my curiosity. A new neighbor had moved into the flat next door and they had a beautiful daughter around my age. I hadn't visited my parents in a long time and I was dying to see them. Okay, fine! I admit it. I was dying to meet the daughter of the new neighbor which doesn't mean I was actually dying. You do get what I mean?

 

So I went to visit my parents. I took a long walk when I arrived with an impatient expectation of seeing the new girl on the block. We almost ran into each other as I turned a sharp corner at the far end of the street. She stopped, startled. The reports of her looks had not been exaggerated.

 

"Heavens above," I thought to myself.

"Oh my god!" she said. It was the first time a girl had said out loud that I was a god or her personal god. It was music to my ears.

 

Someone reading this may say, "Oh, stuff it. She only used that phrase as an exclamation of surprise." Well, that’s your personal opinion, isn't it? Meanings of words and phrases are situational and open to individual interpretation. I prefer to think she thought of me as a god. Like Thor, the hammer-wielding god of thunder and lightning. Throughout the ages, gods have left mere mortals in awe.

 

 

PUZZLING ENCOUNTERS

PUZZLING ENCOUNTERS

I had just started my banking career as an intern. I was young and inexperienced. My branch manager took me under her wing and was eager to share her wealth of knowledge and experience. She oversaw multiple branch locations.

 
I stood with her at the banking hall while she explained the rudiments of banking. As I listened with rapt attention, a customer walked into the branch. We paused our chit-chat and welcomed her.

"What can we do for you today?" asked the branch manager.

"I saw the mortgage brochure of your bank somewhere and I was wondering if I could get a copy of it."

"Sure," said the branch manager. "Give me a minute and I'll get it for you." As she turned away to get the brochure, the customer gave me the once over.

"Are you her manager?" she asked. A smile stole across my face. I didn't laugh, although my mouth twitched a few times. Why would she imagine I was the manager? I was a greenhorn. Was it because I was well groomed and wore my best suit? Was it because I was taller than the manager? I couldn’t say.

 

Another time, I went with an General Manager to a function. His hair was unkempt, his clothes scruffy; his eyes bloodshot. He was so thin he could enter if a door was opened just a tiny crack. He was having a personal challenge at this time. I didn't come with my car so we went together in his vehicle. He drove while I sat in the car's passenger seat. There was no parking space to be found when we got to the location. We drove towards the security post where a security guard stood.

I powered down the window and asked him where we could park.

"You go inside, Sir. We'll direct your driver where to park the vehicle."

I turned to look at the GM's face. He was livid. His hands shook on the steering wheel. I did as directed by the security guard.

THE WISHING WELL

TIHE WISHING WELL

 A couple came upon a wishing well. The woman made a wish and threw in a penny. She unclasped her watch and it accidentally fell into the well. The husband was stunned for a moment. It was a family heirloom. A legacy timepiece passed down for generations. He cared for the watch more than he did his wife.
 
"It's lost!" cried his wife.

"Not on my watch," said the husband. He jumped into the well and drowned. 

 
The wife smiled and said, ''It really works!"

The family heirloom was caught on a rock projection inside the well. From where it continued to tick. Will it hang there forever? Only time will tell. 

 *********************************************************************

A couple came upon a wishing well. The man was upset because his wife called everyone 'Darling' as she couldn't be bothered to remember their names. Even his name. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

 *********************************************************************

A couple came upon a wishing well. The woman made a wish and threw in a penny. 

"Time flies when we're together," said the man.

"I hear it ticking," she said.

"You hear time ticking when we're together?"

"No, I hear a watch ticking. Must have fallen inside the well." The man thought that was ridiculous but he loved her too much to care that she heard strange things. It was time to make his move. He went on one knee and asked her to marry him. 

The woman was stunned for a moment but then smiled and thought, "It really works!"